In my experience, something extremely gratifying about topping is pleasing the guy who’s bottoming (and any top I’ve considered good has made this a priority), and it just doesn’t seem like you’re deriving much joy from that.
The performance anxiety and overall lack of confidence that often keeps guys from topping just does not seem to be there in your case. (Here’s one anecdotal observation of gay culture that I think might be a maxim: those who are willing to top will top.) That you’ve performed, gotten good marks, and still aren’t quite into topping is what convinces me that you’re in a bottom state of mind at the moment. Personally, whatever positional mode I’m in at a given time is subject to change-versatility to me means being open to going through phases, listening to your body and mind, and even considering the desires of others. It sounds like, given where you’re at right now, topping isn’t for you.
Otherwise, this is trial and error, and since you’re eroticizing the trial, get out there and try it. You could maximize your chances in sex-positive spaces (I don’t know if you’re interested in polyamory, but a local poly group might be a great place to cast a net). That means preparing to be rejected, dismissed, rebuffed, or politely ignored. If you’re looking for a slow build, you have to make flirtation your medium.
This tends to depend more on the other person’s interest-welcome innuendo or suggestion is not going to be creepy, but persistently trying it with someone who clearly isn’t taking the bait will be. Unless you’re being inappropriate (too much too soon, too graphic, etc.), you have wiggle room in terms of the creepy factor. It doesn’t have to be directed at the person that you’re talking to, it could be a general observation or anecdote, something that says, “This lady fucks.” If someone is interested, they may take you up on that line of conversation and then you can build from there. It’s important to me for consent reasons that I not hide being married-and that would be difficult to do anyway-but it seems like now people just aren’t reading my flirting as flirting anymore.įlirting is a subtle art, and a lot of modern communication exists to bludgeon subtlety, so you just have to be a bit more blatant. So I guess my question is, how do I non-creepily let people I’m potentially interested in know that I’m available despite being married? We’re fine with our open marriage being relatively open knowledge, but we also don’t want just everyone to know (e.g. I’m looking for a slow build with friends or acquaintances. But it also means that apps like Tinder or Bumble and other ways people date now just don’t do it for me because they’re too direct. Getting a chance to experience this more is one of the main reasons for me for the open marriage. In the past, the most fun part of a sexual encounter for me was the build-up-the flirting and teasing when you’re not quite sure if the other person likes you back but you have reason to hope.
The problem is how to find someone else who’s interested. The problem isn’t our comfort levels-we love each other deeply, are both comfortable with the idea that we can venture out but that we’ll always come back to each other, and generally have pretty good communication.
My wife and I (both women) are now in an open marriage … at least in theory. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column.